I can still vividly recall the first day of the year like it was yesterday. The days have passed in a blur, but at the same time, they’ve been exceedingly long. I look back at the last fourteen months, and I have no choice but to stare in wonder, horror, shock, and amazement at everything that has happened. There was more than just the pandemic for me. There was personal and family stuff going on. With anything, time sorted some of the things out. Some for good, others just for a little while before everything imploded again.
I’ve spent the last fourteen months talking about self-care. Sometimes it was about new products I’d tried. Other times, it was just talking. I write this blog in the hopes that it will resonate with whoever needs it in that moment. But, mostly, I write it for me. This blog ensures that I don’t allow my self-care (and self-love, two different things) go by the wayside. This month, I’d like to speak about intuition.
My life was totally disrupted at the start of this year. The day after my birthday, to pinpoint it. It was both a horrible day—and a relief. I say that, because I hadn’t been listening to my intuition. If you ask those closest to me, they’ll tell you that my intuition is pretty spot on. When I listen to it, that is. And it is. For the most part. Yet, there are times when I ignore it. Like, when I suddenly got violently angry everytime one of my friends used to came to my house. I couldn’t understand why the mere sight of her would make me stabby. When I made a comment to my-then husband of nearly 20 years about her ass hanging out of her shorts, he had the audacity to get angry at me.
That should’ve been a BIG clue. If I’d have listened to my intuition for the last few months before that, I would’ve known they had started an affair. Instead, I ignored it. Why would my husband of almost two decades do that? He would never. I’m being ridiculous. I’m insecure. Blah, blah, BLAH! Oh, I gave myself all kinds of reasons. For three years I ignored every signal the universe sent my way. Every. Single. One. Even when we moved from Texas to Colorado and found the perfect place. Everything had fallen into place like it was meant to be. The kids wanted to leave their school and move, my husband had quit his job (I didn’t realize at the time he was about to get fired), and I’d always wanted to move. Despite everything fitting perfectly, it felt alllllllll wrong. No matter how I looked at it, I couldn’t figure out why. That was because I was still ignoring the one thing that could’ve answered everything.
That move to Colorado ended up being a black hole of money and what amounted to a four-month vacation where everyone was miserable. So, we returned to Texas. Almost immediately, my ex began to act weird. We always held hands. Everywhere we went. Suddenly, he didn’t want to even walk beside me, much less touch me. After about a few days of this, I finally confronted him. He didn’t even look at me when he said he wanted a divorce. I was floored. Absolutely floored. Of all the things, I hadn’t expected this. But I should have. The universe had been telling me for quite some time that I needed to walk a different path, but I’d always believed that I married for life. Not for just “right now.” When I didn’t listen, the universe decided to step in and show me that both me and my ex needed to go our separate ways.
I’m one of those people who has to have answers. Even if I’m not going to like them, I have to have them. Otherwise, I’ll go through a billion different scenarios trying to figure out which one had occurred, which is madness. My ex had never been secretive before, but suddenly (yeah, I know!) he was. One morning after he left to take the kids to school, I started digging . I knew all the passwords to everything, so I was able to get into the backup of his phone. That’s when I found the pictures, emails…everything.
Knowing of his three year his affair was horrible. Not knowing was even worse. I had known something was wrong, but I had ignored it. I won’t lie, that divorce was brutal. And it got nasty. I won’t go into details, but suffice it to say that after pulling up the credit card statements, I found things neither myself or my attorney liked.
Even when I was crying at my marriage dissolving, and the future that I imagined crumbling, I knew it was for the best. It took me some time, but I realized after I got past the anger and grief (not to mention getting my revenge over and over in my books. hahahahah!!!!!), I was able to see how unhappy I’d been. It’s crazy because it happens little by little over time so you don’t even realize it until you have no choice but to face it, head on. Being a single mom sucked. Being alone sucked. I was a romance writer who couldn’t imagine writing romance anymore. Yet, I had contracts to fulfill. I couldn’t return the money, because my account had all of $5500 in it. I had to pay bills. I had to feed my kids. I had to pay a mortgage. So, I sat down and wrote. Somehow, I managed to find my way again through the stories and my characters. They’re the ones I cried with, laughed with, sought my revenge with. Writing became cathartic.
During all of this, I swore that I’d never ignore my intuition again. But…wouldn’t you know it, I did.
2020 featured one of the happiest moments of my life.
And one of the absolute worst.
I can even pinpoint when I heard my intuition telling me what to do—September 6th. I knew what I should do. But I couldn’t. I didn’t want to just give up, because that’s what it felt like I’d be doing. That was ridiculous. Facts are facts, and it doesn’t matter who looks at them or when, they don’t change. I kept holding out hope that things would get back to how they were. And therein lies another problem. Change happens constantly. With us, our children, our furbabies, the seasons, our very planet. Hell, if you want a prime example, look at the romance genre and what’s hot now. Blink, and it’ll change.
So, I had facts before me, my intuition screaming (and I do mean screaming) at what decision I needed to make, as well as knowing that things weren’t going to go back to the way things were. Did I listen to any of that? Sadly, no.
Life limped along, all the while I could feel my intuition shaking its head at me, telling me that if I didn’t listen, it was going to take matters into its own hands again. I had endless conversations with my close friends and my brother. Everyone was supportive, everyone urged me to follow my heart. And still I didn’t want to give up. I didn’t want to let go of the future that had been before me, a future I wanted. But wanting something and what path we have to walk aren’t always one and the same.
::sigh:: Do you know what happens when the universe gives you time to listen to your intuition and you don’t do it? Yeah, it does it for you. So, on January 6th, the universe interfered again. The decision I had been toying with was no longer mine. Once more my path was diverging from someone else. I was both hurt beyond belief, but also relieved, because I knew it was what needed to happen. Being relieved doesn’t make it easier to bear. Sometimes, I think it’s worse.
Would things have been easier had I listened to my intuition both times? Without a doubt YES!
Our gut/intuition/heart, whatever you want to call it, knows the way. I’ve come to realize that with even more clarity over the last month and a half. There’s something else I’ve come to understand, and The Holiday movie sums it up nicely:
I asked the universe to help me on this new course—and it answered beautifully. I’ve found so many cool things that have changed my life for the better. It has helped to begin healing my wounded soul as well as look ahead with a smile. Not every day is easy, but I keep putting one foot in front of the other. And the days that aren’t? Well, I shower myself with extra self-care and self-love, just as I would if a friend suffering showed up at my doorstep. I don’t know where I’d be had I not began the self-care last year, but that just slides into my life motto: Everything happens for a reason.
I don’t know what awaits me in the future, but I know it’s going to be great. No longer do I have a dark cloud hanging over me, the weight from a decision I couldn’t quite make. I learned so much about myself over the last couple of months. Makes me wonder how different my life would’ve been had I been able to do this twenty years ago, but there’s no need in looking back—or forward. I’m living for today. And so should you!
I’m going to leave you with a song that my daughter showed me not so long ago. Enjoy!
“We are all wonderful, beautiful wrecks. That’s what connects us—that we’re all broken, all beautifully imperfect.”
~ Emilo Estevez