There is something about summer that makes my soul sing. Yes, I live along the Texas Gulf Coast with sweltering temps that can reach close to 100 degrees with 100% humidity. Anyone who knows me knows I’ll choose heat over cold any day. That was tested this week when my AC went out. I was concerned because Freon had just been added to it in March, but I was assured there wasn’t a leak. Guess what I ended up having? Yep. A leak. Of course, everything occurs during Memorial Day weekend when no one wanted to do anything. The apartment complex ended up giving me a temporary unit that, guess what? Went out. Oh, yeah. I’m not kidding. I can’t make this stuff up. The maintenance guy was out to my apartment every single day this weekend. He even told me he would be the one replacing the coils in my AC unit on Tuesday. My thought was, “Why not fix it now and save me having to call you out again?”
Anyway, the Freon leak has explained my frequent migraines. The leak was small and grew larger the second time they put in Freon. I have a friend who is an HVAC guy, and he told me to immediately open my windows. After I sent him a video of the leak, he confirmed that it had been happening for some time. Being on the ground floor, it isn’t safe to have all of my windows open. I watch enough Criminal Minds and Forensic Files to know what happens to people who leave their windows open. So, I closed them when I went to bed. Ever since I’ve moved into this apartment it’s been a rarity if I didn’t wake up with a headache. I’ve always had chronic headaches, but not like this. On top of that were all the migraines. Unfortunately, the Freon is still leaking a little. Needless to say, management is going to get an earful from me about this. My safety and my health have been put in jeopardy. Let’s hope that once the leak is sealed that my migraines and headaches recede to what they used to be.
When something like this happens, it always makes me stop and think if I could’ve done something different, saw something, heard something sooner. Anything to prevent what’s happened. I tend to look at any situation, good or bad, and study what I could’ve or should’ve done. Especially when it comes to relationships. I don’t know about you, but I’ve always had the worst habit of telling myself I’m the one to blame when a relationship ends. I’m almost embarrassed to admit that it wasn’t until quite recently that I realized what shite that is.
Why is it that women blame themselves? Why do we say it’s our fault if a boyfriend/husband/SO cheats? That if we were skinnier/taller/richer/funnier/prettier/”add your own modifier here” things would’ve turned out differently.
I’ve done that. I blamed myself for my ex-husband cheating. And sure, a marriage breaking down generally isn’t just one person’s fault. I fully accept my part in the implosion of my marriage. But…as I look back, I’ve come to realize that there wasn’t anything I could’ve done/said/been differently that would’ve prevented my ex from keeping it in his pants. It is who he is. That statement took me six years to accept. Mainly, because I forced myself to take a deep, hard look at the things I told myself and felt as part of my cathartic journey to healing my heart and soul.
Because I did that, I was able to see my marriage, my part in it, and the path I had to walk to not just understand, but accept. That helped me accept the failure of my relationship this January. Sometimes people have demons, or a tormented soul, that lead them down roads you can’t follow. I blamed myself for things ending in January. Which was wrong. While it wasn’t strictly my fault, I did play a part. It’s difficult to keep a relationship going when one person suddenly decides to stop sharing, when they begin to keep things bottled inside. I tried for as long as I could to be supportive, but eventually, that turned to resentment and anger. Until…the explosion.
When I was able to look at both relationships (actually, every romantic relationship I’ve ever had) and tell myself that it wasn’t my fault that X dumped me because I wasn’t his ideal woman, or X tried to control me, X cheated, or…you get the picture, something miraculous happened and I was freed from all of it. Relationships take two individuals to create them, to keep them going. And to destroy them. HOWEVER…sometimes, the ending of a relationship isn’t our fault. If a person doesn’t want to be with you because you aren’t what they want, then they shouldn’t be with you. You are who you are. I am who I am. Accept me regardless if I’m tall/short/fat/skinny/rich/poor/etc.
I learned something about myself and relationships, in general, with each one. That’s our purpose. To make mistakes and learn and grow from them. But I will no longer carry the weight of ruined relationships around with me. It was freeing to throw off that weight. I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to discover all of this, but I’m glad I have. It’s another reminder that self-care isn’t just about what products we’re using on our body, but what we’re doing for our mental and emotional health, as well.
I hope that whatever journey you’re on that you find what it is your soul seeks, because it’s there if you listen. Here’s to your self-care, whatever it may be.
I’ll leave you this month with a song that makes me smile each time I hear it.
“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”
~ Joseph Campbell