I can’t believe half the year is over. It’s been a whirlwind, that’s for sure. When I look back at January and how my life was upended, it feels like a lifetime ago. I’ve changed a lot in these last six months. Mostly, because I wanted to, I sought it. I’ve spoken about intuition and how important it is to listen to what our hearts tell us. I’ve also touched on finding love again—and losing it again. As well as the blame we put on ourselves.
These six months have been a journey of awakening for me. I’ve not only come to be at peace with the past, but accepted the roles I played. Everything that happened, every decision I made, every word I spoke, has led me to this place. Some might look back and have regrets. I don’t. My 18 year marriage is gone, but I have two amazing children I wouldn’t trade for anything, not even the heartache I suffered. My second relationship might be over, but I discovered so much about myself that I wouldn’t otherwise have. Through it all, I became what others wanted me to be. I’ve tried to find my own way, and faltered frequently. (oh, so many fails) I’ve stood on my own, and then changed again.
Only to find myself right here, right now. In a place I never saw myself.
I say that because the other day I was on the phone with a friend I hadn’t spoken with in quite some time. We texted and emailed but didn’t have any conversations on the phone until last week. The first thing she said was, “You sound happy. I’ve never heard you sound this happy before.”
And that’s when it hit me. I am happy. Really, truly happy.
Life isn’t perfect. I have some health issues (as most of us do), but I wake each day with a smile, eager to see what it holds. I embrace each day as something new and beautiful. I take a lot of self-care time. Yes, I’m still a workaholic, but I know when I need a rest, and I take it. When I stopped to think about what she said, I stepped back to see what had changed. Everything had changed. No longer was I doing things for someone else. I was doing them for me.
All the things I’d been interested in, but for whatever reason didn’t look into them much further, I’m doing now. I’m following my heart in all ways. Not just the people I spend time with, but the things I do all the way to what I eat. The only person I have to please is myself. It’s been…well, it’s difficult to find the words to express this peaceful, calming feeling. I’m in a place that I thought would take me years to get to. I don’t want to make light of it, because it’s not been an easy road. I’ve had to work to get where I am. Many tears, many questions, many fists raised in frustration. But I didn’t give up. I listened to what my soul was urging, and it didn’t disappoint. The work might have been brutal, but it was worth it. Just as I’ll have to work to stay here.
My first step was listening to my intuition and actually doing something. We are writers of our destiny. We have the ability to change things if we’re not happy. It’s discovering what we aren’t happy with that can sometimes be the hardest part. But at the end of the day, the only person who can make us happy is ourselves. And if we can’t make ourselves happy, how in the world can we make anyone else happy?
There is pleasure and happiness all around us. Take the time each day and find something, even if it’s just one thing—a flower, a dragonfly, a text from a friend, or the shapes in the clouds. Growth is painful. Change is terrifying. But the end result is wondrous.
I’ve spent years writing about heroines who are strong and capable of anything. It took me entirely too long to realize I was a heroine. You are that strong, too!
Maybe because Brit’s in the news lately. Maybe because this woman has been through Hell and back and should be able to make her own decisions, but I felt this song fitting for all of us.
There is freedom waiting for you, on the breezes of the sky. And you ask, “what if I fall?”
“Oh but my darling, what if you fly?”
~ Erin Hanson